Practice His Presence

I was practicing the presence of the Lord a few days ago, for the first time frankly. I'd sat down, my dear friend Steve had told me to just still my heart before God and ask Him for His presence. That was essentially all I was doing, when I began to practice some things that Andrew taught me the other night. I was just picturing my Psalm 23, my pasture, my place where I am lead beside still waters and find Jesus. It sounds weird, but I was sitting there, before Jesus, and then I got the image. It was... awesome. It was really simple, it was a fruit. At first I thought an apple, then I wondered if it was a cherry. I asked God to reveal more, and the fruit cut away to reveal the center of an apple, with seeds galore. Alright, Jesus, what does this mean I asked? This image had come from no where, so I was pretty sure it was from God. There is plenty of fruit imagery in Scripture, but what was God saying to me? I asked Him. Then I realized that I was fruit. In order to reproduce, to bear more fruit, to fulfill the function for which He created me, I'd have to die. I have to give myself wholly unto that destiny, to die to myself, in order for true life to abound. So my word for today is to give myself to the Lord with abandon, and let myself, my flesh, die. What exactly that means, and how it relates to what I was praying about at the time, I don't really know. Die to sin? Die to my dreams? Die to my boredom and lethargy? Die to my confusion? I'll keep pressing Him for that answer. But who cares?! God is speaking, and He's letting me enjoy His presence. I don't care what it means at this point, I don't care what the cost is, I don't care what the specifics are. My God is here. Praise the Lord!

The Pilgrimage

I have a few things to say about the internship that just began. Zoey and I are no longer dating. We are pursuing a deeper friendship, without any timeline, guarantees, or strings attached. We have no idea if we'll ever resume a courting relationship. But the internship didn't break us up. True enough, the Intern Leaders had multiple conversations with each of us and ultimately asked us/me to step back in order to more fully engage with my issues and baggage during the internship. But both Zoey and I felt peace about that, because we know God is in it. Don't get me wrong, it's hard sometimes, but with God in it, really, we're in good hands. So 1) Zoey and I aren't dating. 2) We're just friends at this point because of deep issues in my life that need worked out. Whoever I marry, I want to be wholly theirs. And I want to offer them something better than what I can offer right now. So my issues and God, as much as the Intern Leaders or Zoey or I's will, are behind our not-dating. 3) Though there are no strings attached, it is still my heart to discern whether or not Zoey is the woman I am supposed to marry. I believe the coming weeks, months, maybe even year, will be illuminating. Right now I cannot say, and I'm not counting on anything, because everything is so confusing and cloudy at this point. But discerning things between her and I is a top priority. That is all.