that's right i am

That's right I'm jammin' out to Bon Jovi and Tom Petty. Was Free Fallin' ever more appropriate? That's right I wrote thirteen out of sixteen pages on a stupid Judaism final paper TODAY. That's right I'm not doing anything strenuous for the next FOREVER! That's right finals are now over, including my many-page take home final for Modern Western and 17 of the most enthusiastic and fun pages I've ever written (yeah Plato's Republic meets Jesus)! That's right in the next hour I'll be leaving to visit Jared in Cashmere. That's right in the next week I intend to see not just Jard, but Zoey's family, my family, Molly, and many of my friends from camp. That's right I haven't told half of those people I want to see them yet. That's right this is going to be the best damn Christmas ever. That's right Jesus provides worthless people with infinitely more than we deserve. Yeah... that's right!

whispers divine

I don't know what God's up to, but it's so obvious that He's moving and that it includes me that it is actually a little intimidating, along with exciting, and extremely surreal. That night that I had dinner with Pete, he said something along the lines of this: He wanted someone to fight for an intimate relationship with God along side him, not just some accountability partner, but someone who would really join in the struggle for a Spirit-filled life. He told me that essentially, God had directed him to me as someone who just wasn't satisfied with what most people are, and that it was apparent to him I wanted more. More than anyone else he knew, I was someone he identified with as desperately thirsty for more of God's Spirit and direction and overall presence in my life - and he wanted us to fight together for a more intimate, more powerful relationship with our Lord, Savior, and Creator. Then tonight at Large Group a woman spoke on prayer. Her testimony was powerful and her presentation met the group where we were and imparted a lot to us. So I went up to thank her after a closing time of prayer, and she asked me if I had prayed out. I said yes, as I'd prayed once or twice aloud for God to show us the next step, that there were those of us that were thirsty, but didn't know where to go from there. She told me that she could tell I was passionate just by the way I spoke, and that God didn't create such powerful desire to let a person down or limit them to the occassional emotional high at a well-orchestrated worship service. This was encouraging, but nor particularly uncanny. Then she went all supernatural and said things she couldn't have possibly understood the impact of. Basically, she said that perhaps not everyone was called to the level of passion and desire that I was, and that maybe more than other people necessarily, I wanted God in greater abundance, intimacy, and power. That is to say, this complete stranger intuited the same thing as my housemate, who I remind my readers I have hardly ever interacted with, within a week of each other. Can I just say as far as my own sanctification, they picked a lousy week to percieve my heart for God (I've been so selfish and stressed), not to mention the fact that I have never thought of myself as having a desperation for God any more than everyone else ought to. God, you are whispering things in my ear and sending me signs of varying degrees of subtlety - I hear you. I eagerly anticipate a life in your service, and I just ask you God, show me the next step. Call on me Lord, command me Lord - Here I am.

count your blessings

The next few weeks, until I've turned in my take home test, my 12 page paper and my 15 page paper and Zoey has completed her last final, will be among the worst days of my life. The last few days have been stressful, exhausting, grueling days leaving me utterly desparate and hopeless. I just want to cease to be. Not die, or suicide, or even lose myself in something, just not be. I see little point to the larger majority of my life right now, what is good seems to be drug down and pessimistified by what isn't (sorry Zoey), and I just don't have enough identity, confidence, strength, whatever, to get through the day safely.
And life is so beautiful. My Christian kindred, you'd better count your blessings, right here, right now. Not even all the hyper-spiritual stuff; I'm not talking about love, or hope, or prayer, or the Word, or the Holy Spirit, or Salvation, or anything else I am just as thankful for as you are. I'm talking about the small everyday blessings you have all around you, with no special meaning attached - just a beautiful life. Those of you who wouldn't call yourself Christian, ya'all better be thankful too. No matter how badly we screw things up as a race, we still can't eliminate beauty.
I was getting in my car today, and it has snowed here in Walla Walla, so everything is white. As I'm opening my door, my eyes follow a ridge of snow that has accumulated on my door's window, and in the midst of all the sharp peaks and chaos, there is one, lone snowflake. Unharmed and picturesque, I marvel that it has survived me wiping the snow off my windows, the treck back to theBirch, and the heat from the inside of the car. But there it is, pristine and beautiful, and I am blessed by that little miracle of nature. I follow all the other lines of snow around all my other windows, but I find no other preserved, intact flake. Just the one. And ya know, life is good.
Look at the people in your life. Now again, there are your standard responses: those closest to you or whatever, and they count, but man, if you're going to count your blessings you have to look beyond the immediate and examine the peripheral. The last week is a good example for me:

1. This morning I prayed with Valerie. We haven't really talked in high numbers of weeks or low numbers of months, and today we set aside our homework, caught up, and prayed with one another. Now you can perceive the glass as half-empty (woe is me, I don't see Val enough any more, why can't I spend more time with her, I miss her, why don't we ever see each other), or you can realize how blessed you are (man, it's been ages, and I just love spending time with my old friend, and getting to pray for one another? could it get any better?!)
2. Do you ever see David Ozog? Do you understand how his bright shining face and well-aimed finger-gun can cheer a person up? Last night I saw him at Voice Class, and it was sad - he came too late to hear me sing - but the glass is half full, and just getting to see him and exchange a few friendly words brightened my day. Seriously, it made me happy inside. What about Zach Conroy? Now of course, his trademark isn't the finger-gun, and we seldom get to really talk, but seeing him cheers me up. Can you fault me for that? Surely you have people in your life that do that for ya. I offer one more example: Megs. Megs sees me from time to time, and the way her face lights up and her smile gets all huge makes my soul shine man. It can turn my day around completely to have a small run-in with some of these fine folks from freshman year. The moral of the story: count your blessings.
3. Now I've obviously got way more blessings than I have the time to divert my attention from homework and record here, but for the grande finale, there's my housemate Pete. Now I've led Bible Study with Caleb, had the pleasure of knowing Mika the longest of them all, and ya'all outta just know how much I love Flynn and Nato. But I haven't gotten to know much about Pete thusfar - he's not a key player in my life, that's what I'm saying. But that all changed today. Last night a phantom woke me up after I'd went to sleep and asked me to have dinner with it, and apparently a) it was Pete and b) I said yes. Tonight we eat at the Brew Pub and God just brings like a million different strands together into one beautiful strand of Omniscient-Oooh-Goodness. I'm sorry, the details are privelaged, just know that the Almighty is at work in my life, despite (or sometimes it seems, directly as a result of) my incompetence. And I am blessed. So are you. Count 'em up and tell me I'm wrong!

columbia river bible camp

Oh man, let's talk about people I miss a lot: Camp peeps! Unfortunately, this also happens to be the group of people I have kept in poorest touch with. Fortunately, I plan on visiting them sometime between Christmas and New Years. Let's just fill everyone who isn't blessed enough to go to CRBC every summer in on how cool each of these dearest friends are.
I suppose we'd have to start with Peter. I have only really gotten to know him these last few years, but oh man, better late than never. This guy rocks my world. His heart for God, his energy, his open-mindedness, and his mad skills in the band make everyone want to idolize him. Which is it is so significant that he always overtly gives credit to God and displays a humility uncharastic of guys our age. I've picked up quite a bit of wisdom and perspective from this guy, not to mention a great friend and brother. Thanks Peter.
And this is the amazing Ashley Eggar. I only really met Ashley E. last year at camp, but the past two years have been so friggin' awesome. Mostly, she is just inspiring. Let me tell you a little a bout her, and why she makes me so happy. I guess the most important part is that from what I can see of her, her heart is dead centered on God. We're talking a wonderful young woman of God. But what makes that so powerful is that people look up to her. So often I hear about how Christians should be making non-believers wonder "what have they got that I don't?" Do I ever actually see that? Well I do with Ashley. She is extremely athletic (I've never seen a girl... well, anyone actually, in person, as buff as her). She is also funny and intelligent. And one of the most amazing things about her is her modesty. She is about the most beautiful woman you'll ever see, and we've already mentioned she's athletic... but she's humble, and dresses humbly as well. Like Peter, she is pretty uncharacteristic of American youth, and it's refreshing. Thanks Ashley.
Now let's talk about Missy and Kelli (left to right). I only just met Missy this year, but I got to hear her testimony and see her interact with campers and counselors quite a bit. Hers is one of those unbelievably powerful stories, where friends steer a Child of God down a bad path, and God waits until the perfect moment to bring it all back to His glory. She alone is evidence enough that CRBC is worth it. I look forward to seeing more of you in the years to come Missy. Kelli has been a dear friend for ages, though you wouldn't know it given how much I write her (sorry friend) . I don't remember which year we met, but the last two summers with her at least have been pivotal points in my life. Two summers ago the whole experience got me back in line with God. Last summer though, was real crucial. See, for years and years I've been seeking God - saddling up next to people I knew were in close contact with the Big Guy, and hoping to catch every drop of knowledge and wisdom they might send my way. But Kelli was the point around which God gave my life a spin this summer. See, though I'd been a Bible Study leader for a full year, I was still the type who wanted to glean all I could from others, and hog all the holiness I could contain for myself, so I could try and figure things out for me. I've also struggled a lot with my imperfection and depression. This last year, Kelli got a little dose of that herself. And God finally brought me out of the shadows of others, and demonstrated, through my interactions with her, that no really, I can lead people. I can affect them. I can even <gasp> help them sometimes, and effectively point them to God. I'm not professing a hidden arrogance, or even saying I do that all the time now. But I do know that it is possible, and that God is using me. He uses me! Thanks Kelli, for letting me see that, and for being an unwitting accomplice to the Will of God. Aaaah, my Sumo brothers. Jesse and Patrick are both critical figures in God developing male-fellowship into my life. They've been around a few years now, but it was really only this summer that I really became friends with them and let them into my heart, so to speak. They are both pretty talented musically, and obviously cool. I mean just look at their picture! Anyway, we got to talk a lot about male issues, and keep each other accountable given the abundance of immodesty, even at a conservative Christian summer camp. We really impacted one another, and though I'm horrible with keeping in close contact with them as well, it isn't unheard of for us to still keep each other accountable and in prayer. I truly love these guys and the time we shared together. They again made me feel as if God was so almighty and powerful that not only could He hand-craft the cosmos, He could even change stubborn and rebellious little me. Thanks boyos. I'll be visiting over Christmas break my friends, look for me...
And this would be Jessica Cline, who I only met this summer and is now going to Ecola Bible College in Cannon Beach last I heard (I hope to go to Ecola after Whitman). She is my example of someone flexible to God's will. First of all, she had a heart just breaking for many of the girls at camp. She is full of love and compassion over the family situations, bad attitudes, and just poor judgement some of the young teen girls had to deal with at camp. Then, as she's seeking God as to her purpose and His will for her throughout camp, being frustrated with not being able to share with her girls the forsight they are lacking, God calls her to Ecola. Camp is at the beginning of August folks, and she didn't decide until the end of camp to up and go. Now I don't know how that worked out for her, I'm too lame and haven't written her since shortly after that, but I do know God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, and she fits that description! May God bless all you do Jessica, and be a Light unto your Path.

columbia river bible camp (continued)

You don't think I'm already done talking about camp do you? Nonsense! Let's talk about the Woolbrights. This family may just be the largest most constant influence at camp. They've always been, and always will be. From left to right up there it's: Ashley, Jessica, Nathan, Rachel and myself. Not pictured are Karen (the mother of this fine bunch) and Alycia, who sadly wasn't there this year. I don't know what to say about this family to do them justice. Karen and I talked a ton this year, and it's no wonder her children turned out so perfect. She's sweet, understanding, wise, loving - ya know, everything the mother of perfect children needs to be. Jessica, the oldest of the Woolbright offspring, just graduated from college and is an inspiration to me personally. Her advice concerning my sister (given that she has so many) was nothing like anything I'd ever heard before. She has made connections I never would've realized, and helped me at least to get on the path of being more loving to my sister (though I still need to love you better Mariah). I try and let Jessica know how thankful I am, maybe someday she'll realize it. Alycia, next in line, got married between last camp and this one. The most remarkable thing about the very few days I had the pleasure of spending with Alycia was her friendliness. You want loved, this girl knows how. Missy, from up above, was at camp because of this woman. Not only do I wish her the best in her marriage, but I think her for counseling me through rough times last summer. Next come Rachel and Nathan, the two I know the least well. Rachel is also at Ecola Bible school, last I heard. She's got a heart for God, like the rest of the family, but she's also uniquely "cool." Ya know, that look and attitude that makes people want to be like her because she's just... cool. And Nathan, I'm not even sure if I've even talked more than twice with this guy, but he's the only boy man, you gotta take your hat off in reverence for that. So my hat's off to you Nathan. And then Ashley, the youngest, is really close friends with Ashley Eggar. I met them both at the same time, and they are a lot alike. Charming, athletic, sweet young women of God. Ashley W. is probably the person who is most forgiving and most consistent in trying to maintain ties of communication with me out of all the CRBCites. Thanks Ashley, for proving to me that young people with ample opportunity to turn away from God might still choose Him. God bless this whole family, because they have blessed me SO much.Here is a picture of the band. You already know Peter, but Amanda (to his left) is another key player. She leads the worship band every year now, and is also a counselor for part of camp. That's a lot to handle, that's all I'm saying. The fact that she can still have fun, while maintaining all of her duties and trying to genuinely love a bunch of sometimes ungrateful or unwilling teenage girls is... admirable. Plus, she tolerate's me :) Being in the worship band this last summer, though only for a day or two, has opened up a new world to me back at college. Her invitation to lead has wrought an entire semester of leading worship here on campus - plus vocal lessons and a renewed perspective and passion for worship music. Yay!

Now this is Peter (again), and on the far right, Kendell, if I'm not mistaken. But Sarah Beth on the left, is why this picture is special. Coming from where she does, having grown up in Glenwood as the younger sister of this one guy in my class, man this girl is a miracle. No joke, a Miracle. Sarah is loving and kind and sweet and smart and fun. Her dad is the same way. He may have been the strongest and best influence on my dad for the last decade, and now my dad's a different man. So thank you Howard. And thank you Sarah Beth. Your friendship and backscratching blows me away, and you are a highlight of camp. Don't you be forgettin' it either.

Now I just figured you needed to see some candids. Up above we have Austin Eggar, and Jason (I think). Austin's the charming fellow with the tongue. The Eggars are the other family that just dumbfounds me when I think of how wonderful the children are consistently, and how much impact this one group of people will have on our world. Austin is, like Ashley, super buff, and super awesome. Their youngest sibling Aaron is just as rad too. Man I adore these three. I have been blessed to have Eggars in my cabins every year for a while now, and that's a trend I definitely want to continue.
Lake? Dock? Girls to show off for? Boys will be boys, garaunteed...

And if you look up cute in the dictionary, you will find this girl (and the teddy bear). That's Rachel, and her friend Griddles. She drew a picture on my camp shirt of a shining cross above a heart, and would say and do the cutest things - yeah, she's like 5. No really, she is the epitome of cute - it doesn't get cuter than her. Inspiration abounds at Columbia River Bible camp, 2005!!

misc.

To the curious observer:
Yes, of course I read all of your comments :) In fact that's the highlight of my blog experience.
No, Jared didn't beat me at GB.
<sigh> I miss Zoey.
Happy Thanksgiving!
I miss Molly and Myra and Jared and... <sigh> so many so much.
I get to see my family in a few days!
Wolverine would totally kick Spiderman's butt.
Hi Sarah!
I have to write papers over my break :(
I will have elk meat soon, and pickled heart and liver. Dad says its good...
I'm going to work.
That is all.

about me

So as I think more and more of family I realize that I haven't ever really wrote a ton about my past or my quirky nature. So I justify the following because it might fill in blanks some of you have regarding me. But mostly... it's because Molly did it :)

10 years ago i was: playing video games and missing real friends I'd left in Royal City
5 years ago i was: playing video games and wondering if I'd ever actually had real friends
1 year ago i was: finally beginning to transition completely to real friends from video games
yesterday i was: stressing about more school work and other stuff than I've ever had before
tomorrow i will: finally finish this hellacious week and prepare for a much needed Sabbath

5 snacks i enjoy
quesadillas
oatmeal chocolate chip cookies (momma style)
oatmeal chocolate chip cookie dough (also de mere/madre)
chips & some of my aunt Linda's 95 gallons of homemade salsa
most things Nato makes

5 bands/artists to which i know the lyrics
Richard Marx
Garth Brooks
Faith Hill
Chris Isaak
The Eagles Lynyrd Skynrd Tom Petty Bon Jovi Band Journey Boston
I can't believe how much I miss music from home now!

5 things i would do with 100,000 dollars
tithe $10,000, sending it to relief efforts in the earthquake ravaged areas of South Asia
buy myself a nice new outfit, maybe even a suit or tux; take Zoey dress shopping
take Zoey out to a really nice dinner in our new formal attire
pay for my education, pay off loans etc.
save the rest and quit work so I could focus more on my studies

5 places i would run away to
Jared's house
Myra's house
Zoey's house
a beach house
my house

5 bad habits i have
poor time management; procrastination
a God-complex (a.k.a. a sinful nature) characterized primarily by selfishness and control-lust
recurring [paralyzing] self-hatred and depression
laziness
judging and condemning others and myself instead of accepting and sharing love and grace

5 things i like doing
singing praise and worship to God
cuddling and snuggling
playing video games, especially Pokemon, Zelda, Final Fantasy, Halo (1), Smash Brothers etc.
immersing myself completely in the love and fellowship with which I seem perpetually blessed
completing a job well-done, and surprisingly, I'm thinking especially of stacking wood back home

5 things i will never wear
a skirt
a thong
bling bling
a wife-beater
anything where a piercing is a prerequisite

5 tv shows i enjoy
the Star Treks (especially The Next Generation, Voyager, and Deep Space Nine)
Whose Line Is It Anyway
cartoons
autobiographies on cool people like Leonard Nimoy
programs like the Discovery Channel, I dunno, I haven't had television in like a decade

5 fictional characters i would like to date
man, I'm satisfied dating a real character; she's got Lt. Robin Lefler, Princess Amidala, Hermione Granger, Princess Zelda, and Gym Leader Sabrina beat by a long shot :) thanks Zoey

5 biggest joys of the moment
summitting Mt. Adams
that first kiss
beating Matt, Ben, Jared and all other competitors at Galactic Battlegrounds :)
being the greatest Pokemon Master of them all!!
mostly seeing the work of Jesus manifest around me; letting Him hold me tight and comfort me

5 favorite possessions
Mew, the 151st pokemon that you could only get from Nintendo (or from someone who got it from Nintendo by buying it from eBay)
my Sonic the Hedgehog plush; yes, some of you have seem him in my classes
my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle blanket/toga/cape/tapestry/robe, also frequenting my classes
my Bible and Bible underlining kit
my Star Trek: The Next Generation video cassettes, and Deep Space Nine DVDs

5 favorite smells
hickory smoke
vanilla candle/perfume
wood fire
fresh baking in general
rain

grace

I've been a little sickly of late, so I came home tonight and took a nap in lieu of some of my more academic pursuits. For one reason or another I was feeling pretty depressed about myself as a person, and when I woke up the first time to talk to Zoey I just didn't want to be awake or exist - I wanted my pain and my disgust with myself to just go away. So I went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I started talking to my friend Yahweh "Help me out here. Forgive me man. Not because of who I am, or how good I can be, not even because of how much I love you. Forgive me because of your love for me. You are constant and sovereign, and man, I am so inconsistent, so broken, so worthless. I doubt, I ignore, I violate - the list goes on and on here Father. I've prayed for the same things time and again, sinned in the same ways time and again, and have absolutely no hope in myself. So out of your goodness, out of your constant love for me that doesn't wax or wane, forgive me God. Love me in spite of... no, that's not right, because of, my sinfulness. Love me God. Cleanse me. Forgive me." Ya know, I'm not real comfortable with people saying offhandedly this that and the other thing that they've just "heard from God." But right then, as I was praying, I had an overwhelming sense of a simple "I ALREADY HAVE." How many times have I struggled with grace? How many times in the last month have I read and reread those few chapters of Romans? How many times have I poured over the content of The Passion of the Christ this last week? That is precisely why He sent His Son to die on the cross! For me. Out of His love. Men's Small Group tonight was just a time of prayer and fellowship for us gents, and the message God was sending me both directly and through Flynn and Rollie was pretty simple: "Don't sweat it kiddo. Stop worrying so much. Don't buy into that lie and hate yourself. You're My child, and I delight in you. Don't doubt whether or not I will forgive you." It's really quite obvious: He already has.

Days like today make me think of the two most influential peeps in my life in my formative years. People without whom I would be living a very different life right now. Molly and Don. Though I'm older than Molly, she has essentially watched me "grow up" from your typical middle-schooler dying for acceptance, to the man I am now, broken but entirely bent on the Kingdom of God.* Our relationship is an odd one, starting on this band trip when I was probably 14. We've never spent substantial time together really, more than that trip to Victoria or her one visit to Whitman my freshman year. But there is so much love there. We've had more than one heartbreak and misunderstanding between us, but we've survived to be there for one another through suicides, deaths, spiritual crises, and the most confusing and trying of times. And really, there's no reason why our friendship should have made it through it all. That's ambiguous, but there are years and years of details here. She has been the most influential person in my spiritual life to date, and the greatest friend I could've had in that hell that was High School (in my school this was really just Junior High for big people). Finally God has brought me to a place where Molly and I can share with one another, where I can suppliment her life for a change, with my "wisdom" and advise. It's finally a two-way road I feel, and that only makes me treasure it more. We're states apart Molly, but I love you sis.
And Don? Don was essentially my archetype for male-fellowship - he gave me the first real taste of the beauty of this half of the human race, and all my male comeraderie now is at least loosely based on what God blessed me with in Don. Don helped me through a lot of deep questions and pivotal life choices, but was someone I never viewed as superior or infallible. Just... a great guy. He was comfortable with who he was, and real about his struggles. He gave me straight up advice and wasn't afraid to tell me when I was bonehead. In addition to introducing me to cool words like "flyblowed," Don has been a Guru of sorts - someone who has done as much inspiration as revelation as far as how I should live, how to make God a priority, how to recognize Truth etc. As I began to recognize certain dangers or limitations with loading all of my support and friendship onto co-ed relationships, Don was the man who I went to to get straightened out. Days like today make me greateful to God for all of the forming He's done, and is doing, to my person. People like Molly and Don have so radically altered the course of my life that their impact is literally incomprehensible. My hat's off to you two. I love you both more than you can possibly know this side of heaven.

*Kingdom of God is one of dozens of loaded "religious" words I've used throughout my blog. I don't expect that everyone who reads this will be familiar with what I mean when I use these terms that, though accurately depicting what I'm trying to convey, are nonetheless confusing to people who aren't familiar with them in their original context. If you want to know what I mean, I don't have a problem telling you in greater detail, just ask me.

Myra and Jared

I miss these two so much! Myra has been one of my absolute best friends of all times. We lived right next to each other in our freshmen section, 4-[B]EAST, in Jewett. My God how am I surviving without her? Myra, how am I surviving without you!?! Here I am, finally being compelled, nay, forced, to face my foreign nemesis, La Bibliotheque, and where is that warrior who knows my enemy better than she knows herself? In Washington D.C. this semester and in Australia the next! Ack! Myra, my love, I am so stressed and it's beginning to affect more than just my complexion; my memory, my everyday functioning, my observations - they're all beginning to decline. Where art thou Myra? <sigh> A man never had a better friend than thee. As you can see, Myra and I go way back. She has given me more support, more hugs, more advice, and just more love, than I ever asked for, and way more than I deserve. All I have to say about this wonderful woman is that she by no means deserves to have to live near me for the rest of her life, but she hasn't any other alternative. Myra, let's be friends forever.

And what about this guy, huh? I don't even remember how I met Jared. I do know that the first thing I remember thinking was "wow, I wonder if this guy is gonna survive at Whitman with that pro-Bush poster?" Funny thing that. He left. Whitman obviously treated him well. You know Jared, the longer I'm here the less I like it too. Humph. But maybe that comes with the stress yeah? Pbth, whatever. I miss you man. I have far too little Star Trek in my diet, no WarCraft III, and honestly, the Galactic Battlegrounds is beginning to wear on me. In this my hour of male-fellowship-realized, where are you? The Naval Academy. Sad. But my love isn't inhibited by the distance my brother, oh no. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," right? Right. There is no word or blessing I could write here that would do you the justice due, or convey the gratitude felt. You are missed terribly. I could use some of your humor, some good worshipping, some WCIII, some somethin' man. I feel like it's only a matter of time until I collapse, and that's a sucky feeling, let me tell ya =) God bless you Jared, and I absolutely CANNOT wait until Christmas break and seeing you, you handsome douche you.

Peace be unto you my dear dear friends, wherever you are and whatever you're up to.

reminiscence

I have been thinking a lot of old friends lately, who probably think I have fallen off the face of the planet. I have decided when things in my life aren't worthy of your interest, worthy of note, or even worthy of giving you material to aide in your procrastination (hmm, who am I talking about?), that I shall give small blurbs and histories of so many of the friends that I miss. Of Jared the Gamer, and Myra the Cute. Of Molly the Pansy and Guru Don. Of Cat Fatty-Stinky-Penguinness, Kari Mushuness, and Alyssa who-I've-never-called-anything-but-Alyssa. Even my family, Jimmie, Mariah, Jensi and Dale. Of Zoey the Wonderful. Of so many of my dear friends from Church Camp each summer - Kelli, Missy, Peter, Amanda, the Ashleys, the Jessica's, all of the rest of the Eggars and the Woolbrights, and especially my Sumo Brothers, Patrick and Jesse (and many, many more - it's camp!). Of my NYLC homies. Of my Honor Band peeps (that's right Darcie). Of Tasha, and Kevin, and Brett. Of theVal. I've just got so many of you on my heart. Sarah the Short. Flynn and Sarah the Beautifuls. Colin the Smasher and Charlie the Smashed. Yeah, of so many friends, new and old, that I am so thankful for and blessed by. Ben the Bald and Nato the Talented. Andrea the Settler. Kimsath Or. And Julie the Elusive (who just popped out of the woodwork, or brickwork, as it were. Yay!). Emily the Huggable. Megs the-only-Meg. Jenny and Lisa and Eduardo and Hailey, my closest Anderson BS peeps. Yeah. L to the Ynette, and David of the Ozog clan. Zach Attack... man, I just miss so many people sometimes. Jon and Eric the Hardcores. I do love people. I could never write enough about all the people I miss. Hopefully though, I'll let each of you know in person, so you don't have to be limited to a small bit of publicity on this obscure website :) Cheers to all of you, who have made my life so flavorful and awesome.

So one of my professors keeps calling me Joseph, and I don't have the heart to tell him he's actually had my name wrong the entire semester. So now my fellow Religion major Gareth has decided to rename me Jonas. And he's persistent. I don't get it.

I dread schoolwork. I don't know how to feel about my presentation on The Passion of the Christ tomorrow in my Judaism class. I'm particularly thrilled about my 5-7 page paper on Moses Mendelssohn's interpretation of Judaism for my Modern Western Religious Thought class. I'm kind of excited about my 3-4 page Plato's Republic paper on a Christian kallipolis (Eutopia) which will then turn into a 9-12 page paper on the same topic. But the real kicker is the 15 page paper on Jewish intermarriage due at the end of the semester, at the same time as the 9-12 page kallipolis paper and the take home quiz in Modern Western. Sorry, I had to vent. And when I look at the next three semesters, I realize, this is only the beginning...

MY DAD AND SISTER JUST GOT AN ELK. EACH! My dad got a spike bull elk, and two days later, this morning at like 7:30, my little sister got her first cow elk! Hell yeah! Elk meat for Thanksgiving! Elk meat for Christmas! Elk meat for theBirch for me baby! Elk meat for the next epoch! Yeah! My sister has got to be bouncing off the walls with excitement! I am! Yeah sis!

me buen jesus

Jesus Christ is my Lord, my Savior, my Redeemer. I don't understand His exact relationship with God the Father and Holy Spirit; I don't know exactly to what extent the Will of what we refer to as the Trinity necessarily forces itself upon us and to what extent we have Freedom of the Will; you know, I don't even know precisely how Sanctification relates to Justification;* but I don't need to. El Shaddai sent my Messiah to personally and completely atone for my sins, and now the Advocate pleads on my behalf with groanings deeper than words. The conclusion I've reached with all of these loaded, confusing words? God is good. Life is good. I am blessed, baby!
Fall Conference was almost a week ago now, and for readability/brevity I'll just focus on the highlights, but know that it was awesome! The thing I am most thankful for is that it was much more than emotional high, which come on, in a pinch I could have induced chemically. My personal relationship with God, my walk with Jesus, the anointing of the Holy Spirit - however you want to word our dialogue with the Big Guy - was very specifically blessed and directed last weekend. In addition to a rockin' Small Group, I'm talking very specific callings, which I will now enumerate:
1) God challenged me to really look at my kindred (particularly all those ones that annoy me, anger me, confuse me, etc. - oh yeah, and that sort of includes me as well) as Children of God. As image-bearers, I can trust that God made us all for a purpose, and all with an equal portion of His likeness. Hmm. That one made me stop and think. I imagine I'll be stoppin' and thinkin' on that all my life...
2) Check this picture out. Yeah, I'm talkin' RACIAL RECONCILIATION. What I mean is, I have felt called before to seek racial reconciliation, maybe even to pastor a multi-racial church, but tangible ways to implement that calling weren't communicated well. Reverend Harvy Drake did a fine job at that. In summary: CELEBRATE. That's right. Just ponder that picture man.
3) Rev. Drake spoke quite a bit on scriptural authority. As in: it is absolute. No matter how uncomfortable it makes us, or how much it requires us to set ourselves apart, or how demanding or unfounded it it may seem. The more you explore the depths of its rich wisdom and love, the more you can trust that maybe God does know what He's talking about. This isn't a new thing for me really, but I dig it, so it was worth mentioning. He also forced us to think specifically about tough controversial stuff - no one that went left unchallenged.
4) Psalm 47. What does it say? Look it up - I had to! This passage just came to me, and I didn't have a clue what it said, I just knew it was from God. I'd never had an unheard of verse come to me like that. It was tight! Praise Him :)
5) On that note, God gave me a complete breakthrough where worship is concerned. No more worrying about whether or not Whitties will see me - even here I'm able to just praise Him without getting caught up in reputation or vanity. Arms up, on my knees, singing, dancing - wherever I feel it needs to go.
6) That's it for AT the conference, but since I've been back there have been two huge blessings (not to say that there won't be fruit borne from this conference forever...) worthy of note:
a) God is giving me peace and confidence in Him as I approach the most challenging weeks of my academic life EVER. Man I feel like I'll just snap and go clinically and truly insane - but He's there, my Fortress, as it were.
b) Zoey! Our relationship is going in a wonderful direction, and it has made significant strides since Fall Conference. It's not finite or anything, and it's not really directly related to Fall Conference, so it will no doubt continue to undulate and be better and worse and yaddah yaddah; but we're seeking God and it is materializing very obviously in front of our very eyes, and it's wonderful! Man I like that girl...

That is all.

*in fact, I believe anyone who thinks they know, beyond all shadow of doubt, the nature of any of these questions is supremely arrogant, if not blasphemous - only God can know such transcendental relationships, which by definition are beyond our comprehension =) Next time you pray, try praying to God as He knows Himself to be, and not as you conceive of Him (see how limited He becomes when He only exists as you think He exists?)!

peaches!

Today is Thursday: Men's Group tonight! Fall Conference tomorrow! I have to write a [one-page] paper on what Immanuel Kant thinks the significance of Jesus of Nazareth is. But what matters is that my housemate Mika just gave me a Peach Preserves Candle that smells delicious and is a delightful half-wax half-gel hybrid. This wonderful act of kindness on her part brings me great joy, and I am thankful for it. Aren't you? My first GEL CANDLE for cryin' out loud! YES!! So here is a picture of her for you all to enjoy. Thanks Mika.
I'm going to go pray, and then read about this guy from Nazareth and see what Kant thinks. <sigh> I wish I was playing pokemon...

in-class notes

Here I am in class, and Kant bores me. No, not true - this class bores me; Kant just confuses me. My mind wanders...

Yesterday was a wretched and horrible day, and for really no reason. Diet? Chemical imbalance? Spiritual attack? Pbth, who knows. The point is that I was in that mood that is my least favorite of all, and I skipped Plato's Republic to go home and numb myself somehow. Originally I planned to nap, but I ended up playing some Pokemon instead. Jared called! So I talked to him for 67 minutes, and God used him to give me perspective (yet again). Thank God for this man! We didn't talk about any one necessary thing, we just talked, and he made my day. Thanks Jared...

"It's in the realm of neumena! Is it intelligible? Does it make sense? He's talking about some sort of pretemporal..." Hmm. I should be paying attention. Anyway, back to my story:

So I kept playing pokemon because though my attitude and soul were brightened, I still felt burdened by certain stresses. I got out of the cave on the Whirl Islands, tied up all my loose ends in Johto, organized the pokemon in my boxes, got out the items I thought I'd need for my Kanto adventure, and set off on the Magnet Train to Saffron City. In catching Lugia in the cave before my last save, I had obtained the final element to my Ultimate Team, with which I want to proceed with my Kanto adventure. However, I have to balance with that raising of the Ultimate Team, the pursuit of "Catch[ing] Em' All" to complete my pokedex. So I gathered two eggs into my party (which when they are due will hatch into two cute little Mareep), withdrew a Nidoran female from my box , and went out and caught a low level Pidgey. The purpose of the latter two pokemon being in my party, being as ordinary and common as they are, is simply to evolve them into their highest evolutions, thereby adding to my pokedex. I save my game in Pewter City, completely prepared to conquer Kanto at my earliest convenience...

"Why cannot the possibility be impugned? 'You ought, therefore you can.'" Now Carly is talking. I'm still not listening...

I'm fasting today and tomorrow (liquids only), and will promptly, at the conclusion of class, spend an hour praying and reading Scripture. Then I have a make-up Judaism class, and I'll have another hour of the same. And this weekend is Fall Conference. Pray God would use the fast and the conference to rock my world.

Class is now over. Good bye!

pensive

A few nights ago I had an elaborate dream of my friend Jared. Sadly, Jared and Whitman didn't get along so well, and he decided to transfer to the Naval Academy (that would be on the other side of the country). More and more I've been missing him, so it's no wonder really that I should dream about him. The dream was pretty standard and nonsensical - something about my immediate family moving into a house once owned by someone in Jared's family. The place was a mess, and the bathroom I had to use was way to tiny, but I got to see Jared and that makes me happy. It would make you happy too. Seriously - this guy makes my soul shine with joy and love. And I get to see him come Christmas time. If you are not jealous, you should be.
I have become more and more disillusioned with things at Whitman of late. Close-mindedness is as prevalent here among liberals as at home among conservatives. It really has nothing to do with political views - for some the scope of what is tolerable is just shifted more to the "right" or "left," that's all. And then there's my finances, which right now don't even have "breaking even" in sight. <sigh> But this isn't depressing, it's just eye-opening. I have strong opinions and am always at risk when it comes to being too narrow-minded myself. All these reality-checks just make me appreciate the more the blessings I have. Rare friends like Jared, experiences like leading Bible Study and Camp, my family and humble beginnings, my wonderful girlfriend Zoey, and of course, God. Beyond my comprehension, yet the ultimate object of all my pursuits and thoughts, I couldn't be more delighted to give my life to Him.
On that note, I may have just reached a new plane of existence as far as my understanding (which we have all at this point recognized as limited) of my relationship with my Creator. Just this week my heart has begun to grapple with a critical notion in a way that it has never before. Not just intellectually, but in every respect, I seem to be being lead to the radical notion of Grace. Nothing I manage to accomplish makes me "good enough" for God. And nothing I succumb to makes Him love me any less. Such is the love of God. Don't get me wrong, my heart has grappled with this forever - in fact this is what lead me to Christianity - it has just never made such significant headway. You may notice some common themes between these thoughts and the verses I last published. I have come to see myself not as one-who-sins, but as someone who is sinful. I am no more or less justified before God right after praying for forgiveness than I would be after committing any sin (even murder). I am always hopelessly sinful, and always loved and delighted in by my God. THIS IS SHOCKING!

Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

The 51st Psalm speaks as from my heart:
¹Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;

According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.

²Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
³For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
⁴Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight...
⁸Make me to hear joy and gladness,
Let the bones which You have broken rejoice.
⁹Hide Your face from my sins
And blot out all my iniquities.
¹⁰Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
¹²Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
¹³Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners will be converted to You.
¹⁴Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation;
Then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.
¹⁵O Lord, open my lips,
That my mouth maydeclare Your praise.
¹⁶For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it;
You are not pleased with burnt offering.
¹⁷The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

for I lament as Job:*
²⁰Why is light given to him who suffers,
And life to the bitter of soul,
²¹Who long for death, but there is none,
And dig for it more than for hidden treasures,
²²Who rejoice greatly,
And exult when they find the grave?
²³Why is light given to a man whose way is hidden,
And whom God has hedged in?
²⁴For my groaning comes at the sight of my food,
And my cries pour out like water.
²⁵For what I fear comes upon me,
And what I dread befalls me.
²⁶I am not at ease, nor am I quiet,
And I am not at rest, but turmoil comes.

I exclaim, "Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

and God's speaks through Paul's Epistle to the Romans,** and regenerates my soul:
¹⁴For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace...
²²But now having been freed from sin and enslaved to God, you derive your benefit, resulting in sanctification, and the outcome, eternal life.²³For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

¹⁵For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.¹⁶But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good.¹⁷So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me...¹⁹For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want...²⁰But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.

¹Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.²For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death... ³¹What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? ³²He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? ³³Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies; ³⁴who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. ³⁵Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ³⁶Just as it is written,
"FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG;
WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED."
³⁷But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. ³⁸For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

and thus I am encouraged and persevere, knowing that
²⁸...God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. ²⁹For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; ³⁰and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

*chapter 3
**chapters 6, 7, & 8

Praise be to God!

So yesterday I slept in a wee bit, and after I was awakened by the beautiful sunlight shining through my window on to my bed, I just laid in bed for a few moments. I'd only been awake for a few minutes when I thought I heard the phone ring. In the course of four or so rings I'd made my decision to answer it (it's clear down stairs man, that's effort - and besides, my toe hurts since I tweaked it so badly...), violently thrown my sweet new red sheets aside, jumped out of bed, ran down the stairs, thrown on my robe somewhere in there, and zoomed into the kitchen. Putting the reciever to my ear, one of my better days ensued...
It was Zoey on the phone, and after doing homework(ish) with her for the afternoon, I played Settlers of Catan: Cities and Knights with Hans, Matt, Ben, Colin, and Andrea. Then I watched Titanic with Zoey and Nato last night. My God, what an awesome day! I woke up in the middle of night praising God because the whole package was just such a blessing. I mean seriously, wouldn't you be blessed with such godly and righteous fellowship: Zoey, Colin, Andrea, Ben, Matt, Hans, Nato and Leonardo DiCaprio? We should all be so lucky :)

genesis

In the beginning there was blog...
So this is what I'm thinking. I need to focus on the now. I've got all kinds of amazing blessings to look forward to, and many haunting failures to look back on, and it's all too easy to forget all about the very happenin' present. My hope is that in focusing on my life now and keeping this blog, which is essentially a journal, I can help unscramble my thoughts, easily see growth and answered-prayers, and of course, keep me engaged with what is currently going on in my life. Well we'll see...