grace

I've been a little sickly of late, so I came home tonight and took a nap in lieu of some of my more academic pursuits. For one reason or another I was feeling pretty depressed about myself as a person, and when I woke up the first time to talk to Zoey I just didn't want to be awake or exist - I wanted my pain and my disgust with myself to just go away. So I went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I started talking to my friend Yahweh "Help me out here. Forgive me man. Not because of who I am, or how good I can be, not even because of how much I love you. Forgive me because of your love for me. You are constant and sovereign, and man, I am so inconsistent, so broken, so worthless. I doubt, I ignore, I violate - the list goes on and on here Father. I've prayed for the same things time and again, sinned in the same ways time and again, and have absolutely no hope in myself. So out of your goodness, out of your constant love for me that doesn't wax or wane, forgive me God. Love me in spite of... no, that's not right, because of, my sinfulness. Love me God. Cleanse me. Forgive me." Ya know, I'm not real comfortable with people saying offhandedly this that and the other thing that they've just "heard from God." But right then, as I was praying, I had an overwhelming sense of a simple "I ALREADY HAVE." How many times have I struggled with grace? How many times in the last month have I read and reread those few chapters of Romans? How many times have I poured over the content of The Passion of the Christ this last week? That is precisely why He sent His Son to die on the cross! For me. Out of His love. Men's Small Group tonight was just a time of prayer and fellowship for us gents, and the message God was sending me both directly and through Flynn and Rollie was pretty simple: "Don't sweat it kiddo. Stop worrying so much. Don't buy into that lie and hate yourself. You're My child, and I delight in you. Don't doubt whether or not I will forgive you." It's really quite obvious: He already has.

Days like today make me think of the two most influential peeps in my life in my formative years. People without whom I would be living a very different life right now. Molly and Don. Though I'm older than Molly, she has essentially watched me "grow up" from your typical middle-schooler dying for acceptance, to the man I am now, broken but entirely bent on the Kingdom of God.* Our relationship is an odd one, starting on this band trip when I was probably 14. We've never spent substantial time together really, more than that trip to Victoria or her one visit to Whitman my freshman year. But there is so much love there. We've had more than one heartbreak and misunderstanding between us, but we've survived to be there for one another through suicides, deaths, spiritual crises, and the most confusing and trying of times. And really, there's no reason why our friendship should have made it through it all. That's ambiguous, but there are years and years of details here. She has been the most influential person in my spiritual life to date, and the greatest friend I could've had in that hell that was High School (in my school this was really just Junior High for big people). Finally God has brought me to a place where Molly and I can share with one another, where I can suppliment her life for a change, with my "wisdom" and advise. It's finally a two-way road I feel, and that only makes me treasure it more. We're states apart Molly, but I love you sis.
And Don? Don was essentially my archetype for male-fellowship - he gave me the first real taste of the beauty of this half of the human race, and all my male comeraderie now is at least loosely based on what God blessed me with in Don. Don helped me through a lot of deep questions and pivotal life choices, but was someone I never viewed as superior or infallible. Just... a great guy. He was comfortable with who he was, and real about his struggles. He gave me straight up advice and wasn't afraid to tell me when I was bonehead. In addition to introducing me to cool words like "flyblowed," Don has been a Guru of sorts - someone who has done as much inspiration as revelation as far as how I should live, how to make God a priority, how to recognize Truth etc. As I began to recognize certain dangers or limitations with loading all of my support and friendship onto co-ed relationships, Don was the man who I went to to get straightened out. Days like today make me greateful to God for all of the forming He's done, and is doing, to my person. People like Molly and Don have so radically altered the course of my life that their impact is literally incomprehensible. My hat's off to you two. I love you both more than you can possibly know this side of heaven.

*Kingdom of God is one of dozens of loaded "religious" words I've used throughout my blog. I don't expect that everyone who reads this will be familiar with what I mean when I use these terms that, though accurately depicting what I'm trying to convey, are nonetheless confusing to people who aren't familiar with them in their original context. If you want to know what I mean, I don't have a problem telling you in greater detail, just ask me.