things that make you go hmm

I just don't get it. I'm not even sure I yet understand the extent to which I don't get it. For the first time I am beginning to feel the burden of my limitation. Of course I've always known, in theory, that God is beyond our comprehension. In some circumstances He is beyond our ways, beyond our thoughts. Some aspects of the world are riddles to our understanding, at least for the time being. But no, I never really comprehended my lack of comprehension. There are parts of my reality, parts of my God, that are just not solvable. They are not rational. There is no recourse, no aid Reason can offer. How arrogant of me to only realize this now, at 20 years old! When it comes to the God who is, and was, and ever will be, He is truly bigger than we can understand. How can a God of all power and knowledge and presence who loves us and desires our wholeness leave us in our sin? Really. What is an immanent God doing letting us remain sinful. That He wants us to have free will is NOT an answer. I'm in bondage, I need freed, and I am INCAPABLE OF FREEING MYSELF. Yet His supernatural power cannot be dictated, His ability to release me and my kin cannot be manipulated, cannot be separated from His supernatural timing. I don't understand. I mean, I understand that there here exists a paradox, something that cannot be satisfyingly solved in my little head. It is contradictory. It isn't like I can't wrap my mind around it, it is that IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. But God is, and was, and ever will be. And God is immanent. And I will trust Him. What I have learned from this is, I don't know my God. He is bigger than my understanding, and it is imperative, absolutely paramount, that I seek Him, that I know Him. I spend so much time trying to live by what I do know, so much time studying to achieve some stupid piece of paper from Whitman, so much time trying to impart my wisdom to others and receive in turn from them. WHO AM I? I AM NO ONE! I know nothing, have not even the power to implement what I do know. I mean to know God. I must know God. I don't mean accumulate knowledge, which is precisely where my answer will never be found. I need to know Him in the Biblical sense. Thus I make the following pledge, to know my God, to seek my God, to be allured and lost in the presence of my creator. I will seek Him, search His ways, and throw myself into His Word and His commands and His character without reserve. My pursuit of Him pales in comparison to my pursuit of other things, even of His manifestations or His blessings. It is not what He does that matter to me in this place, but who He is. No more will I outweigh God, no more will my understanding, or His gifts, or His creation, take priority over HIM. I write this that you may keep me accountable to that. If you read this, and do not hold me to this covenant, it is a failing on your part, and I exhort you to remedy that mistake. God must be first. God. Yhwh. El Elyon. El Shaddai. Wonderful Counselor. I AM. Eternal. Helper. Messiah. WHAT? WHO ARE YOU, O GOD!
If I have ever found favor in your sight, help me to know Your ways, that I might know You, that I might find favor in Your sight. So pleadeth Moses, and so I plead O Lord.