ultimate concern

I am on the one hand, completely overhwelmed, and on the other hand, in such a good place. Regarding the former state, I simply have too much to do. It is not possible to complete all the requirements placed upon me, let alone do anything extra. This entry itself must be cut short that I might finish/start my paper due (after an extension) tomorrow. Yet the material being covered in some of my classes is astounding. Know the name Karl Barth. That's not a question, it's a directive.
In the days that followed my last entry, I reached a point of break down. I couldn't handle it all. I lost hope. All hope. I survived of course, and God was both patient and faithful as I unleashed myself on Him, demanded from Him, implored Him, and forsook Him. Now I am processing these thoughts and concerns, and this is the "good place" in which I now exist. The last blog entry, this crisis last week - they leave me in a place of yearning, desiring even to desire God more. I want to want Him more than I do, and I think that's a good thing.
But what is so amazing about this place I am in is that mere days before reading these pastors and theologians for my courses, I have these incredibly vivid encounters with the problems and issues they address. For example I lose all trust in our ability to reason God out. I realize He cannot be comprehended and that to deny the paradoxical nature of God is to take away from God, to have a lessened understanding of our reality. We lose something by denying God His absolute, transcendant, and infinite nature. Upon this realization my Modern Western Religious Thought class begins reading Karl Barth. The man is incredible, initiating around the time of World War I a return to an older way of thinking about God. The essence of his theology is the essence of my last blog. God is on a completely and utterly different plane than we are, and is completely impossible to just figure out. Barth also relies entirely on the Word of God, witnessed in Scripture. The Bible is authoritative for Barth, revelation is the only way of getting to God. Anything man initiates is doomed to limitation, deception, failure etc. Thus what God initiates, revelation, is all we can rely on. Barth provides a timely direction, a solution even, to my crisis.
Again: I read Paul Tillich for Senior Seminar, who defines faith as "the state of being ultimately concerned." Ultimate concern is something everyone, of any secular or religious sphere, has - it is simply that which is the bottom line, the ultimate motivation or goal that drives an individual. Thus an idolatrous faith is one that simply elevates something peripheral, like success or wealth, to the state of the ultimate and infinite. It is at this time that I realize that God not doing what I think He should or could is my "ultimate concern". I am driven by the hope that God will do this certain thing, and then He doesn't. My world collapses. So Tillich provides the explanation of why I break down: a misplaced faith.
Even faith in God's attributes or God's work or God's or God's manifestation or God's blessings - those are idolatrous faiths. My faith must be in God Himeself, devoid of any other contingent. God is my ultimate concern. And I can only know Him through His revelation, the Word of God, Jesus the Christ. The Bible is the only reliable witness to revelation, and speaks directly to me, to my life, to my situation. The pieces fit together much nicer mind you, when God is orchestrating them, than when I try and narrate them. But know that God is pretty incredible, and is certainly bigger than any words I can utter will do justice to. So thanks God, I guess is all I'm really trying to say...

things that make you go hmm

I just don't get it. I'm not even sure I yet understand the extent to which I don't get it. For the first time I am beginning to feel the burden of my limitation. Of course I've always known, in theory, that God is beyond our comprehension. In some circumstances He is beyond our ways, beyond our thoughts. Some aspects of the world are riddles to our understanding, at least for the time being. But no, I never really comprehended my lack of comprehension. There are parts of my reality, parts of my God, that are just not solvable. They are not rational. There is no recourse, no aid Reason can offer. How arrogant of me to only realize this now, at 20 years old! When it comes to the God who is, and was, and ever will be, He is truly bigger than we can understand. How can a God of all power and knowledge and presence who loves us and desires our wholeness leave us in our sin? Really. What is an immanent God doing letting us remain sinful. That He wants us to have free will is NOT an answer. I'm in bondage, I need freed, and I am INCAPABLE OF FREEING MYSELF. Yet His supernatural power cannot be dictated, His ability to release me and my kin cannot be manipulated, cannot be separated from His supernatural timing. I don't understand. I mean, I understand that there here exists a paradox, something that cannot be satisfyingly solved in my little head. It is contradictory. It isn't like I can't wrap my mind around it, it is that IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. But God is, and was, and ever will be. And God is immanent. And I will trust Him. What I have learned from this is, I don't know my God. He is bigger than my understanding, and it is imperative, absolutely paramount, that I seek Him, that I know Him. I spend so much time trying to live by what I do know, so much time studying to achieve some stupid piece of paper from Whitman, so much time trying to impart my wisdom to others and receive in turn from them. WHO AM I? I AM NO ONE! I know nothing, have not even the power to implement what I do know. I mean to know God. I must know God. I don't mean accumulate knowledge, which is precisely where my answer will never be found. I need to know Him in the Biblical sense. Thus I make the following pledge, to know my God, to seek my God, to be allured and lost in the presence of my creator. I will seek Him, search His ways, and throw myself into His Word and His commands and His character without reserve. My pursuit of Him pales in comparison to my pursuit of other things, even of His manifestations or His blessings. It is not what He does that matter to me in this place, but who He is. No more will I outweigh God, no more will my understanding, or His gifts, or His creation, take priority over HIM. I write this that you may keep me accountable to that. If you read this, and do not hold me to this covenant, it is a failing on your part, and I exhort you to remedy that mistake. God must be first. God. Yhwh. El Elyon. El Shaddai. Wonderful Counselor. I AM. Eternal. Helper. Messiah. WHAT? WHO ARE YOU, O GOD!
If I have ever found favor in your sight, help me to know Your ways, that I might know You, that I might find favor in Your sight. So pleadeth Moses, and so I plead O Lord.