that's right i am

That's right I'm jammin' out to Bon Jovi and Tom Petty. Was Free Fallin' ever more appropriate? That's right I wrote thirteen out of sixteen pages on a stupid Judaism final paper TODAY. That's right I'm not doing anything strenuous for the next FOREVER! That's right finals are now over, including my many-page take home final for Modern Western and 17 of the most enthusiastic and fun pages I've ever written (yeah Plato's Republic meets Jesus)! That's right in the next hour I'll be leaving to visit Jared in Cashmere. That's right in the next week I intend to see not just Jard, but Zoey's family, my family, Molly, and many of my friends from camp. That's right I haven't told half of those people I want to see them yet. That's right this is going to be the best damn Christmas ever. That's right Jesus provides worthless people with infinitely more than we deserve. Yeah... that's right!

whispers divine

I don't know what God's up to, but it's so obvious that He's moving and that it includes me that it is actually a little intimidating, along with exciting, and extremely surreal. That night that I had dinner with Pete, he said something along the lines of this: He wanted someone to fight for an intimate relationship with God along side him, not just some accountability partner, but someone who would really join in the struggle for a Spirit-filled life. He told me that essentially, God had directed him to me as someone who just wasn't satisfied with what most people are, and that it was apparent to him I wanted more. More than anyone else he knew, I was someone he identified with as desperately thirsty for more of God's Spirit and direction and overall presence in my life - and he wanted us to fight together for a more intimate, more powerful relationship with our Lord, Savior, and Creator. Then tonight at Large Group a woman spoke on prayer. Her testimony was powerful and her presentation met the group where we were and imparted a lot to us. So I went up to thank her after a closing time of prayer, and she asked me if I had prayed out. I said yes, as I'd prayed once or twice aloud for God to show us the next step, that there were those of us that were thirsty, but didn't know where to go from there. She told me that she could tell I was passionate just by the way I spoke, and that God didn't create such powerful desire to let a person down or limit them to the occassional emotional high at a well-orchestrated worship service. This was encouraging, but nor particularly uncanny. Then she went all supernatural and said things she couldn't have possibly understood the impact of. Basically, she said that perhaps not everyone was called to the level of passion and desire that I was, and that maybe more than other people necessarily, I wanted God in greater abundance, intimacy, and power. That is to say, this complete stranger intuited the same thing as my housemate, who I remind my readers I have hardly ever interacted with, within a week of each other. Can I just say as far as my own sanctification, they picked a lousy week to percieve my heart for God (I've been so selfish and stressed), not to mention the fact that I have never thought of myself as having a desperation for God any more than everyone else ought to. God, you are whispering things in my ear and sending me signs of varying degrees of subtlety - I hear you. I eagerly anticipate a life in your service, and I just ask you God, show me the next step. Call on me Lord, command me Lord - Here I am.

count your blessings

The next few weeks, until I've turned in my take home test, my 12 page paper and my 15 page paper and Zoey has completed her last final, will be among the worst days of my life. The last few days have been stressful, exhausting, grueling days leaving me utterly desparate and hopeless. I just want to cease to be. Not die, or suicide, or even lose myself in something, just not be. I see little point to the larger majority of my life right now, what is good seems to be drug down and pessimistified by what isn't (sorry Zoey), and I just don't have enough identity, confidence, strength, whatever, to get through the day safely.
And life is so beautiful. My Christian kindred, you'd better count your blessings, right here, right now. Not even all the hyper-spiritual stuff; I'm not talking about love, or hope, or prayer, or the Word, or the Holy Spirit, or Salvation, or anything else I am just as thankful for as you are. I'm talking about the small everyday blessings you have all around you, with no special meaning attached - just a beautiful life. Those of you who wouldn't call yourself Christian, ya'all better be thankful too. No matter how badly we screw things up as a race, we still can't eliminate beauty.
I was getting in my car today, and it has snowed here in Walla Walla, so everything is white. As I'm opening my door, my eyes follow a ridge of snow that has accumulated on my door's window, and in the midst of all the sharp peaks and chaos, there is one, lone snowflake. Unharmed and picturesque, I marvel that it has survived me wiping the snow off my windows, the treck back to theBirch, and the heat from the inside of the car. But there it is, pristine and beautiful, and I am blessed by that little miracle of nature. I follow all the other lines of snow around all my other windows, but I find no other preserved, intact flake. Just the one. And ya know, life is good.
Look at the people in your life. Now again, there are your standard responses: those closest to you or whatever, and they count, but man, if you're going to count your blessings you have to look beyond the immediate and examine the peripheral. The last week is a good example for me:

1. This morning I prayed with Valerie. We haven't really talked in high numbers of weeks or low numbers of months, and today we set aside our homework, caught up, and prayed with one another. Now you can perceive the glass as half-empty (woe is me, I don't see Val enough any more, why can't I spend more time with her, I miss her, why don't we ever see each other), or you can realize how blessed you are (man, it's been ages, and I just love spending time with my old friend, and getting to pray for one another? could it get any better?!)
2. Do you ever see David Ozog? Do you understand how his bright shining face and well-aimed finger-gun can cheer a person up? Last night I saw him at Voice Class, and it was sad - he came too late to hear me sing - but the glass is half full, and just getting to see him and exchange a few friendly words brightened my day. Seriously, it made me happy inside. What about Zach Conroy? Now of course, his trademark isn't the finger-gun, and we seldom get to really talk, but seeing him cheers me up. Can you fault me for that? Surely you have people in your life that do that for ya. I offer one more example: Megs. Megs sees me from time to time, and the way her face lights up and her smile gets all huge makes my soul shine man. It can turn my day around completely to have a small run-in with some of these fine folks from freshman year. The moral of the story: count your blessings.
3. Now I've obviously got way more blessings than I have the time to divert my attention from homework and record here, but for the grande finale, there's my housemate Pete. Now I've led Bible Study with Caleb, had the pleasure of knowing Mika the longest of them all, and ya'all outta just know how much I love Flynn and Nato. But I haven't gotten to know much about Pete thusfar - he's not a key player in my life, that's what I'm saying. But that all changed today. Last night a phantom woke me up after I'd went to sleep and asked me to have dinner with it, and apparently a) it was Pete and b) I said yes. Tonight we eat at the Brew Pub and God just brings like a million different strands together into one beautiful strand of Omniscient-Oooh-Goodness. I'm sorry, the details are privelaged, just know that the Almighty is at work in my life, despite (or sometimes it seems, directly as a result of) my incompetence. And I am blessed. So are you. Count 'em up and tell me I'm wrong!