pensive

A few nights ago I had an elaborate dream of my friend Jared. Sadly, Jared and Whitman didn't get along so well, and he decided to transfer to the Naval Academy (that would be on the other side of the country). More and more I've been missing him, so it's no wonder really that I should dream about him. The dream was pretty standard and nonsensical - something about my immediate family moving into a house once owned by someone in Jared's family. The place was a mess, and the bathroom I had to use was way to tiny, but I got to see Jared and that makes me happy. It would make you happy too. Seriously - this guy makes my soul shine with joy and love. And I get to see him come Christmas time. If you are not jealous, you should be.
I have become more and more disillusioned with things at Whitman of late. Close-mindedness is as prevalent here among liberals as at home among conservatives. It really has nothing to do with political views - for some the scope of what is tolerable is just shifted more to the "right" or "left," that's all. And then there's my finances, which right now don't even have "breaking even" in sight. <sigh> But this isn't depressing, it's just eye-opening. I have strong opinions and am always at risk when it comes to being too narrow-minded myself. All these reality-checks just make me appreciate the more the blessings I have. Rare friends like Jared, experiences like leading Bible Study and Camp, my family and humble beginnings, my wonderful girlfriend Zoey, and of course, God. Beyond my comprehension, yet the ultimate object of all my pursuits and thoughts, I couldn't be more delighted to give my life to Him.
On that note, I may have just reached a new plane of existence as far as my understanding (which we have all at this point recognized as limited) of my relationship with my Creator. Just this week my heart has begun to grapple with a critical notion in a way that it has never before. Not just intellectually, but in every respect, I seem to be being lead to the radical notion of Grace. Nothing I manage to accomplish makes me "good enough" for God. And nothing I succumb to makes Him love me any less. Such is the love of God. Don't get me wrong, my heart has grappled with this forever - in fact this is what lead me to Christianity - it has just never made such significant headway. You may notice some common themes between these thoughts and the verses I last published. I have come to see myself not as one-who-sins, but as someone who is sinful. I am no more or less justified before God right after praying for forgiveness than I would be after committing any sin (even murder). I am always hopelessly sinful, and always loved and delighted in by my God. THIS IS SHOCKING!